“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
You Might Also Like
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum