My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies