I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me trying to reach for my goals
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣