No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Only Americans understand
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Hello Twits.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
my one true gender