Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
October already? What’s next? November????
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Feel. He’s so soft.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it