Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
This story is comedy gold 😂
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
listen closely
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*