The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot