I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.