When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.