Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
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Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️