I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.