Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch