[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.