My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Some of y’all tomorrow …
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.