It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i鈥檓 going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 馃グ
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don鈥檛 even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.