Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Air conditioning – not a fan
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Day 2 of my diet
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.