ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.