Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.