[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo