Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
They got a point!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.