The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers