Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
my professor scared me for a second