Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
nice challenge
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.