My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
You Might Also Like
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
how to have an accident 101
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?