The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I need to update my racial profile.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.