Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
You Might Also Like
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.