Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Lmao 🤣
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
🤣🤣🤣
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Single and childfree like Jesus
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.