“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
How long do you have to wait between naps?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*