When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
12. I think about this all the damn time
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”