Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E