My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.