[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it