Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is