Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt