ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You Might Also Like
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
what it’s like dating me:
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow