You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
checking out some reviews of my local library
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct