Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My love language is hissing.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
this post was so formative to me
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse