i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me