I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.