horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
bears
*Inspirational Tweets*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.