Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
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The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day