You are what you delete.
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11