Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Hamburger Hinderer.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord