wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel