“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
When your man makes a valid point
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?