You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Going into Monday like
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.