Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
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Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!