*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
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Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
my nickname in college
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what