Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.