Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you